Yesterday I had the balls to let my mom know that I am tired to try to start a conversation regarding things that she does and hurt me and she gives me not response, just completely ignored me. I said I am not going to force does conversation anymore because if she doesn't want acknowledge the hurt that she does for me then I rather live my life away from her because I cant take more abuse.
*When I was 2 years old she broke a toy blue flute on my head letting my head bleed until the neighbor come over to help out (she never apologized about this and when we talk about she laughs like it is a joke).
*When I was child she would force me to cry to convince my dad to don't leave us. In case if I didn't have tears she would bit me up so I could appear to my father crying (She talks about that laughing about like it is funny)
*When I was sick and my bad would prepare breakfast to me and kindly bring it to me in bed, she would fight with him badly saying that he spoiling me (but she let my dad to do the same to my brother until now days that we are all adults)
*She let my father pay for guitar and soccer lessons to my day (while I grew up asking to learn how to swim and to dance ballet)
*She let my dad pay the braces to my brother teeth (while I had to save every penny on my minimum wage salary to pay for my braces)
*Every single Parent's Meeting at my school I would spend hours praying to GOD so my mom doesn't beet me up once she got home. I knew the teacher would complain that I speak too much in the class room... That was a reason for my mom to leave multiples bruises on my body leading me to go to the school with winter clothes to hide it while it was SUMMER in Brazil (she never touched my brother to reprimand him)
*One day I touched the refrigerator leaving the marks of my fingers there and that was enough for my mom to take a cooking pan and destroy it on me in a point that the pan was destroyed and had to be trashed. (why just with me???? how about my brother?)
*I grew up asking my mom for hugs and she always told me hugs was just for Christmas Day. Sometimes she would push me into the floor if I forced a hug to happen (while I have to see her into now days giving kisses in my brother's face. Why I never got a kiss or a hug outside of a Christmas Day?. When I ask her why she just smile and said that she was cold at the time but never explained me why. How can you be cold to your 7 years old?)
*I always asked my mom while I was child if I was pretty and she always answered: "No, you are just charismatic" (That lead me to have as much boyfriend that I could so I can prove to her that I was pretty. Yes, I was acting out but at the time I didn't know better. I wanted to feel pretty and loved.
*My mom always told me that my nose is huge and that lead me to have until now days a scar in my nose because I used to sleep with a tape pulling my nose up to get it in a better shape. Now days I learned that my nose is actually very asymmetric with my face and it has nothing wrong with it beside the scar that remind me of a my mean mom.
*I developed an eating disorder by drinking a lot of water after each meal in order to vomit everything at all because my mom would always criticize my weight saying that I was too skinny, or I had a little belly. Now I understand that a 100 pounds can't have a little belly. I understand that I could never achieve a perfect body because nothing was good enough for her. Even after I just had my baby she would point out my over weight (how could I possibly be super skinny right after giving birth? I am a petite girl that never went over 120 pounds in my entire life so now I understand that she was just picking on me and those comments wasn't realistic.
*I had to start work when I was 15 years old (while my brother at age of 19yo expressed that we want to work but my parents didn't let him go because it would interfere with his college.
*They payed the all college for my brother and didn't let him work while he was studying. While I had to work hard to pay all by myself, my college and when I lost my job I asked my parents for help just until I find another job and continue to pay by myself. They said: "NO, you have to work and learn how to earn your money to pay for the things that you need". I was so upset and then it was when I started working in a high class bordel. I was so angry that I followed their advice. I was making a lot of money to buy anything that I wanted. However I start to do drugs to cope with my job.
My half sister who was also a hoker told me about that place and incredibly she was the one who was bullying me to reveal to my family of what kind of work I was doing. I had two choices: Kill myself or tell in my words to my parents of what kind of job I was doing. I almost killed myself multiple times that day but I couldn't so I reveled the true to my mom and dad.
They never took any tiny bit of responsibility for me to ended up like that and it opened an wound in my soul while they just had the ultimate reason to dislike me even more.
I moved from my original country: Brazil and started a new normal life in USA. I was 5 years without seem my parents and when I finally visited them, my dad want to give me a dress as a gift. We went to the store and I chose a dress that my mom until now days rub in my face how expensive it was, that I am so spoiled that I choose the most expensive dress in the store (It wasn't expensive at all, it was $30 but she want me to choose something for $5 or $10). I got so embarrassed, sad and angry that I wanted to return the dress while I was in tears inside the store but my dad insisted and let me keep the dress. (At that time my brother was still living with them and my mom would buy his basic needed things, so I for me that I didn't have a birthday, Christmas, any holidays with them, Why I could not deserve the modest dress that I wanted after Five years living out of their hair?)
My mom started to visit me once an year is USA, each time was a nightmare except when I had my daughter. She was extremely helpful and I am very thankful for the way she help me! I think that was the most beautiful thing she ever did to me: Help out in the first 3 month of life of my daughter.
There is a reason why my mom changed at that moment. I had the worse pregnancy, super sick all the time and I ended up having an emergency C section that lead me to stay in bed for 2 month. I could barely do anything by myself. My mom felt for me and kindly helped out in a way that I am very thankful.
Years after that I tried to commit suicide and in the next day my mom came all the way from Brazil to USA (just God knows how much she paid for such a last minute tickets). YES I ACKNOWLEDGE, things that she does for me! But that is it, if I am not dying in a hospital my mom isn't nice at all.
She feels that she is entitle to get respect but doesn't respect me. She kept me hurting in multiple occasions like telling my Mother in Law that my brother is her favorite, by making my father to buy a house and put just my brother's name on the deed leaving me out, by pooping in the trash can outside my house and telling my husband to clean that up because I was the one who locked her out of the house (LIE!)
Well, I got tired of giving excuse for her such "she came from a bad childhood", I know this is true but HOW ABOUT MY BROTHER? If she acted in the same way for both of us I would accept the abuse for the rest of my life because in the end of the day I chose to have a mom. I believe when I was a newborn she was nice to me, she fed me, and raised me... But how about my childhood that she stole by treating my brother like a king and I am like a rat??
I was kind of avoiding my parents but having a limited conversation with nothing to deep to share because I was just to afraid to get hurt or attacked. She asked to Facetime my daughter and I told her sure, however she could just call to my daughter Ipad because I was "busy".
While she was talking with my four years old, my dad appeared in the camera and my daughter said "No, I don;t want to talk with you". My father immediately said:" **** is making the kid doesn't like me".
I was hearing their conversation and that comment opened a new wound on me. I would never bad mouth my parents to my daughter that is just a four years old. I actually wanted my child to have them, to have an extent family, but again, their think the worse of me, painting me as a monster.
I texted my mom and I let she knows that I heard dad's comments and I was super upset about because I didn't do that.I didn't bad mouth him. It is not fair that they accused me of that. Why they always think the worse of me?
My mom completely ignored my text, my pain, my feelings. Like always I never had a voice. So I texted her again later and said that I am over of being "ok" with this kind of treatment, that if she thinks I am a drama queen when I am actually in pain emotionally, I don't need that anymore. I love you and dad but it will hurt less if I don't get mistreated in most of the interactions. Every time when I try to let you know that I am in pain, you just respond when I am dying in a hospital. Guess what, I am not dying, I am living and I want to try to live without this pain. Let me try to have a happy life. Don't look for me again.
Hi there! This is a follow up to a diary I did a little less than a year ago. I feel like we see a lot of diaries from people making more money as time goes on, so this is a bit of a different perspective. A lot has changed and I wanted to get some of it down for my own personal use, so I figured I might as well make a MD out of it! Old diary is here: https://www.reddit.com/MoneyDiariesACTIVE/comments/eb20o9/im_a_40_year_old_actuary_in_chicagoland/
I am a 41 year old actuary making $125k/yr + bonus. (Bonus goal is 10% but that ain't happening this year, but we’re guaranteed 5% so that’s good.) I'm the sole breadwinner these days. My husband has a lot of health issues and was out of the workforce for a good long while. He had finally gotten back in and was working a contract job for about a year and a half that just ended due to financial issues from COVID, so he is not working for the time being. My job has also moved to permanent WFH, so there are changes there. I will try to include balances and payment amounts from last year's diary for reference. Section 1: Assets and Debt
Retirement: 282k in mine (was 250k last diary) and 345k in his accts (was 310k) for a total of $627k (was $560k). I’m currently putting 10% into my 401k, and I get a 3% company match. (It was 12% into my 401k and $250 a month into my IRA before.)
Kiddo’s 529: 40k (was 35k)
Emergency Fund: 64k (no change)
Checking Account: 12k (was 9k)
Tax Fund for property and husband’s income taxes: 13k (was 17k)
Student Loan Debt: 25k (was 27k), these are the remnants of my husband's law school loans from 2000-2003. I have no school debt.
Other debt: A little less than 1k on a car loan, I totaled my car in February and took out a small (7k) note to get a newer car with better safety features than what my payout would've gotten me. I drive cars until they die so this was worth it to me. I was paying it off quickly while we all had two incomes but now I'm in no hurry to finish.
Home equity: 115k, give or take. We put 20% down (80k) four years ago, paid off another 20k, and probably have about 15k appreciation. We are refinancing for a second time this year to get our interest rate down to 2.625%, and it will lower our payment significantly yet again. Our earlier refi was only for a quarter of a point, this one is almost a full point on top of that. We have about 300k to go on our mortgage.
Total Net Worth (excluding 529 account): $800k (was $743k) Section 2: income
Monthly Take Home: $6400 after insurance (700 health + 100 dental + 20 vision), 401k (1033/month), HSA (424/month) and taxes. Section 3: Expenses.
I’m going to put what I pay now and what I paid back in my old diary in parenthesis. Set expenses
Mortgage: $1306 (was $1576 - $1454 + $123 extra principal), we refied into another 30 year mortgage to drop the payment/rate. We are in the midst of another refi to 2.625% that should drop the payment another $100. At that low of a rate, I don’t see much point in trying to pay it off early. Property Tax: $1050 set aside to pay the bill 2x a year ($1050) Kiddo’s 529: $100 (was $250) Kiddo’s Stuff: $0 because of the pandemic ($650 for aftercare + swim lessons + taekwando class) Student loan: $248 since there’s no interest being charged now (was $262) Home Cleaning: $0 (was $200 but now husband is doing it all) Phone: $50 (was $140, switched to Visible from Verizon) Insurance: $188 for home and car + $111 for 2 term life policies (was $145 + $115 but the accident raised my rates, gah) Utilities (electric, gas, trash, water, internet): $386 (was $350 but we’re using more since we’re home more) Public Transit: $0 (was $150 for 2 monthly passes, 1 at disabled rate) Car Payment: $200 (was $0 since I didn’t have a payment before I totaled my car) Yard care: $0 (was $50, but kiddo is doing this as part of his chores now) Pet insurance: $43 (was $35 but the rate increased) Streaming + Spotify: $55 (was $30, but we’re streaming more since we’re home more) Peloton: $39 (was $0 since I didn’t have one then, I bought one used in January) Set asides: $111. We set aside monthly amounts in our budget to pay the annual costco membership, school fees for my kiddo, software fees, car registration, the annual vet physical, and the annual fee my husband pays to stay a licensed attorney. (This used to be $0 since we just paid it when it came due before.) Total Set expenses: $3886 Discretionary expenses
(these vary, so I’m just including the amount I budget for them, knowing full well that they probably won’t tie up) Groceries: $950 Amazon: $300 Friday Takeout (usually pizza): $150 Gas: $50 Digital Subscriptions: $14 Games: $18 Charity: $50 Misc: $600 (this is a catch all for anything that doesn’t fit elsewhere) Total Discretionary Expenses: $2132 Total Monthly Expenses: $6018 Total Left Over: $6400 - $6018 = $382
I keep a running balance of what we have left over in a spreadsheet - if anything unexpected comes up, I can pull from that amount. When it gets high enough (I’m not sure what that means since this is a new system for me), I’ll put some into my IRA, my kiddo’s 529, or my saving account, depending on which I feel could use the most love at the moment. Section 4: Actual Diary
I’m going to keep some of these short, since there’s not a whole lot of variance in our day to day anymore with me WFH and kiddo doing school from home. Day 1 - Monday - $5.99
I roll out of bed around 8 and head downstairs for coffee. Kiddo is already logged into school - we are full remote here through Thanksgiving, at least. His school is making plans to go back then, but I can’t say I see it happening if things get bad again.
Husband makes me coffee and a bagel, and I head to my “office” (a room off the back of our house) to get to work. I am not excited about my husband not working right now, but I do like that almost everything around my house is taken care of. I have not washed a dish or done laundry in awhile now. I totally understand why men want stay at home wives, and why it’s so much easier to get ahead if you have one.
I spend the morning deep in my data, then emerge for some lunch. After lunch, I retreat to my office for therapy. I have generalized anxiety disorder and am in the midst of a fairly deep depressive episode, so I’m certainly getting my money’s worth here. (We hit our out of pocket maximum on healthcare back in April, so no cost to me for this.) We have a good session where I lament how tired I am - I’m also switching anti-anxiety meds and the new one is just wearing me out.
After therapy, I work awhile longer. Kiddo finishes school and heads to his room to play video games. I hate that he’s doing this so much but there isn’t a ton he can do right now - we are fairly isolated here due to my husband’s medical conditions. It hasn’t negatively affected his behavior or grades, so I guess I shouldn’t worry too much about it?
After work, I walk over to our pharmacy to get a new pair of tweezers. ($5.99.) I somehow managed to lose mine, and chin hair, yo. It’s not pretty. I make it home, the husband makes dinner, and after that we settle in to watch Star Trek Voyager. We went through TNG as a family, so this seems like the next logical step. Kiddo and husband head to bed around 9, and I stay up to watch 90 Day Fiance on my DVR. It’s so terrible and I love it. I told my husband that something about watching people with more complicated lives than me is oddly comforting. Day 2 - Tuesday - $23.35
Tuesday is another typical work/school day like Monday. On Tuesdays kiddo has soccer after school, so we head out for that. (I take him on Tuesdays since my husband doesn’t drive, and the location is too far for them to walk to.) While kiddo is running around, I’m cruising amazon for a new pair of house shoes. I managed to wear my old house shoes out one too many times, and now they’re too gross to be house shoes. ($23.35) We’re at the end of the month, so my spending is a little looser than at the start. We’re on a pretty strict budget while I’m the only one working, so I overanalyze every single little purchase. (Hi, anxiety!)
After we get home, I change into workout clothes and do a ride on the peloton. I bought one from another local mom at half the price of new, and while I probably don’t use it enough, I’m glad I have it. I think I’ll use it more in the winter - in the summer, it’s much easier to just go for a walk outside.
After working out and taco Tuesday, the husband and I head outside to take down our summer splurge. We bought an inflatable hot tub for the family. And I feel like we got our money’s worth out of it. I’m sad we have to take it down, but it doesn’t work when the weather is below 40F, and we’re starting to see that happening.
After we mourn the hot tub, we head back inside for another night of chilling on the couch. Increased time with my family is both awesome and awful - I think we’re getting to the point where we’re awfully sick of each other. But I doubt I look back on this and think “man, I wish I had spent less time with my family”. Day 3 - Wednesday - $360
Another typical WFH day. After lunch, I start screwing around on the internet. One of the things I discussed with my therapist this week was how terrified I am of this winter. Inside socializing is just a no go for us, but I don’t think my mental health can take a winter isolated. Since I live near Chicago, it gets ridiculously cold here, so it’s a real concern.
I was looking for heat lamps, but they’re all sold out. I did stumble upon an outdoor bubble. You set it up outside, and it can accommodate a small space heater, but it’s ventilated. I don’t know if it’s the cure to my winter woes, but I’m willing to find out. ($360) It feels like a bit of a splurge, but I think my mental health is worth the risk.
I told my son about the bubble, and he spends the rest of the day trying to figure out how he can turn it into his own private snow palace. Thanks, kid.
After dinner, I sit down to look at our finances for the fiftieth time this week. I realized that today is the first day I’m able to sell some company stock I purchased through our employee purchase plan, so I go ahead and do so. I then realize that the amount is enough to pay off the rest of the small car note I have, so I go ahead and do that. It feels good to knock debt off the list! Day 4 - Thursday - $32.76
We spend the morning having all sorts of internet issues. Kiddo misses a bunch of school and I end up behind on work. While both WFH and school have been going well, these sorts of issues are beyond frustrating. I make a mental note to look into having my office space hardwired to our internet. I think the problem is all of us on WiFi at the same time, but I’m not sure.
After an annoying day, I order some edibles from our local dispensary online. Can I just say that I LOVE that everything is online now? I probably would have never set foot in our local dispensary before this - there are always lines, and I felt like an idiot not knowing anything about pot. Since everything is online, I was able to research and figure out what to buy that would help me relax and sleep. I order, then pop over to pick it up. ($32.76.)
I got back home and kiddo has a friend over, so I hide the edibles and do some more work. Kiddo, his friend, and husband start working on making a pizza for dinner tonight. We usually order pizza on Fridays, but since we’re tightening our belts, we’re trying instead to only order out every other week. That means we’re making pizza at home more. My husband has a great recipe for the crust, but I haven’t yet convinced him to make his own sauce yet, ugh.
After dinner, kiddo’s friend goes home and we cozy up in front of books/tablets/tv. Husband and kiddo head off to bed at 9, and I pop an edible and fall asleep on the couch watching Married at First Sight - yet another terrible show I watch. :) Day 5 - Friday - $83.38
Finally, Friday! My boss took the afternoon off, so I put in about 6 hours of work before calling it a day. I work in a role where I don’t have a lot of meetings or deadlines, so now that I’m WFH, my work schedule is very flexible. I tend to work some over the weekend, so I don’t feel bad about having a shorter Friday.
I got an email from a friend of mine who is running a contest. Before the pandemic, it was a challenge for people to meet certain fitness and nutrition goals that they set for themselves. She’s doing something similar now, but with much lower goals since everyone is trying to work, supervise remote school, and generally stay sane. Whoever meets the most of their goals wins the prize money. ($20.32 - friend who is running it is in Canada, this is $25 CAD.)
After kiddo finishes school, we facetime my mom. Besides the stupid rough year everyone has has with the pandemic, both my father in law and mom were diagnosed with cancer this year. (FIL: colon, mom: ovarian.) They were both caught early and both have a good prognosis, but it has still been very trying. Mom is channeling her inner Moira Rose with cheap wigs, and I am here for it. We’ve seen her every weekend for the last few weeks, but we’re going to stay home this weekend. I’m glad we can still visit virtually even when we can’t get up there.
For dinner, we have leftover pizza and beer. (Root for the kiddo, sours for the husband and I.) Afterwards, we put on a movie for the family and munch on popcorn. Nice end to a long week. After kiddo and husband head up to bed, I pop onto amazon and check my cart. All week, when I had been thinking I might need something, I put it in my cart and left it there. I figured if I really still need it come the end of the week, I can get it then. I take out a bunch of stuff but leave a few things - headphones and a charging cord for husband’s ipad, a bag of tennis balls for the dog (he has managed to destroy a dozen balls over the last year, and these are on sale), a laser pointer for kiddo (he is using his own money, sort of), and a face serum for me, because I’ve decided I need a skincare routine at the ripe old age of 41. ($62.85) Day 6 - Saturday - $50
I woke up Saturday morning to silence. Kiddo and husband are at soccer, so I enjoy the few minutes of quiet with my coffee and a book. Kiddo and husband return, and I spend some time working on some volunteer work for kiddo’s class. Since everything is remote, his teacher has asked for assistance in digitizing some of the lessons. We really hit the teacher jackpot this year, so I’m happy to help with whatever the heck she wants.
We have lunch and I decide to take a little nap. 3 hours later, I wake up. I didn’t really mean to waste the whole day sleeping but I guess I needed it? My anxiety has been really, really bad lately, so I’m trying to listen to what my body needs. I’ve been having anxiety attacks regularly for the past couple of months since my husband lost his job again. We’re fine financially, and I have the spreadsheets and bank balances to prove it, but anxiety is a relentless bitch.
We decide to order in Thai food for dinner ($50 including delivery and rounding up for charity) and go for a walk. After we get back, we work on a puzzle for awhile before deciding to veg out in front of another movie. Husband and kiddo trundle up to bed, and I pop an edible and put on jazz and just relax. Day 7 - Sunday - $530
I managed to sleep in, which was a nice change. I rolled out of bed straight into a pot of coffee. As I’m trying to wake up, husband mentions that he found out we owe part of a medical bill from earlier this year still. I’ve mentioned that he has some health issues, and getting and paying for his care could be a full time job in and of itself. We met the out of pocket maximum for the year back in April, so getting a bill this late is weird, but not unheard of. Luckily, I keep meticulous records, so I was able to confirm that we did in fact still owe them money. He called and paid so all is well there, but yuck. ($510)
I started a course in anti-racism, and today is the first meeting of my online cohort. I registered for this back in like March, and I feel like I’ve done a lot of work in educating myself, but this course came highly recommended, and learning is always good. It’s 3 hours for the next 4 Sundays, so it’s a pretty decent investment. The first session was a lot of icebreaker type stuff, and I think it’s going to be a good experience in the end.
After I finish with that, I get an email that a neighbor is making RBG masks if you donate to some local political campaigns. I donate so I can get one. ($20.) The dog is being extra psycho today, so I take him for an extra long walk to wear him out. I get back home and curl up with a bowl of soup and a good book. Section 5: Fin
Food + Drink + edibles: $82.67 Home + health: $876.99 Clothes + Beauty: $35.94 Other: $89.88
Reflections: I hate feeling so anxious about money all the time. I know it’s super irrational given what I’ve shared regarding our savings and all that. But I know my anxiety is just a beast right now, and I’m going to have to deal with it.
Overall, I like the budget/system we have set up now, I just wish things didn’t feel so tight. Hopefully I’m able to loosen up at some point here.